It is Too Late to Say Sorry - Nine Months of Israeli Mistakes

DISCLAIMER

THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRICAL IN NATURE. I AM FULLY AWARE OF THE GRAVITY OF THE PALESTINIAN GENOCIDE. IT IS SO BECAUSE SATIRE IS MY WAY OF COPING. IF NOT THIS THEN WE WILL CRY. THE RIGHTFUL MEDIA COVERAGE COMING IN  FROM PALESTINE SHOULD ALREADY DO THAT FOR YOU.

Welcome, dear readers, to another episode of “Oops, We Did It Again,” featuring the world's favourite settler state, Israel, led by the love child of Genghis Khan and Adolf Hitler - Netanyahu, and its comically tragic saga of territorial expansion. If geopolitical chess were a sitcom, Israel's moves would be a slapstick routine starring an army accidentally bumbling their way through a minefield while whistling away like Homelander.

But first, let’s introduce our main players in this game. Our story features an army of bungling occupiers, an 81-year-old U.S. president who needs a walker to find his way to coherent foreign policy, and an international community that clutches its pearls but does little else. 

On one side, we have Israel, a state so dedicated to the cause of confusion that even its GPS systems seem to have a meltdown when trying to delineate its borders. On the other side, we have Palestine, holding the dubious honour of being the world’s longest-running episode of “Survivor,” where the grand prize is just getting to exist.

The Art of “Accidental” Domination

Imagine a place where every other news headline reads like a bad punchline. "Israeli Forces Accidentally Bomb School, Again" and "Settlement Expansions Oopsies: Where Did That Village Go?" It’s like watching a toddler try to fit a square peg into a round hole, except the toddler has a tank, and the hole is someone’s home.

Take, for example, the routine bombings of Gaza. One day it's a hospital, the next it's a UN school. It's almost as if someone threw a dart at a map blindfolded. We’ve all had bad days at work, but confusing a school with a terrorist hideout is a special kind of workplace blunder. If you think your Monday was rough, imagine having to explain to international authorities (except grandpa-in-chief is deaf, dumb and blind) why your advanced military’s precision strike hit a hospital instead of a weapons depot. And this keeps happening so often you’d think their targeting system was designed by interns or underpaid employees with a certain vengeance. 

Uncle Joe’s Bewildering Support

Uncle Joe is the 81-year-old American President whose political career predates the invention of breath mints (It's true. I looked it up. Do not ask for my search history ever).  If there's a fire, Joe Biden will be there with a bucket of gasoline and a heartfelt speech about peace. 

With Joe at the helm, you’d think Israel was the last bastion of democracy in a world overrun by lizard people. His speeches about the "unbreakable bond" between the U.S. and Israel are delivered with the same fervour as a bedtime story, complete with occasional pauses to remember where he is. It’s almost touching how he manages to sleepwalk through press conferences, muttering phrases like “did not break humanitarian law” while the world dies a little collectively.

Oh and how lovely that he got the G7 "express(ing) full solidarity and support to Israel and its people and reaffirm unwavering commitment to its security". How very considerate of world leaders to collectively worry about the safety of the strongest military. People are so nice sometimes.

Rishi Sunak’s Dainty Concern

Rishi Sunak, the British Prime Minister, chimes in with his "deep concern"—a phrase so overused it’s practically a punchline. His inaction speaks louder than his carefully curated statements, making one wonder if he’s more interested in maintaining his coiffed appearance than addressing genuine human rights violations.

When Sunak was appointed Prime Minister, of our former colonizers' land, there were celebrations across India. Starting with the deletion of the redundant Chai-Tea Latte, many Indians, sitting miles away, thought "Ab aayega mazaa," anticipating a shift in global policies with an Indian-origin leader at the helm of Britain. Alas, the mazaa seems reserved exclusively for the Israelis. Sunak’s actions have been less about promoting peace and more about bolstering Israel’s position, from endorsing arms deals to reinforcing diplomatic support in international forums.

While Palestinians face daily atrocities, Sunak’s contributions to the discourse are limited to tepid condemnations and vague promises. His government continues to support Israel with military aid and trade deals, ensuring the cycle of violence remains uninterrupted. Sunak’s "deep concern" is akin to watching a house burn down while commenting on the lovely weather—completely detached from the grim reality at hand.

The Settler Circus

My puny brain often failed to comprehend the sheer audacity of white people on most days. Honey Israel is younger than my grandmother, first of all. White Folks are a group whose enthusiasm for claiming land could only be matched by a kleptomaniac at a yard sale. Because truly, one should hold the nerve of the highest degree to simply walk into someone's house and call it theirs. 

So you walk into someone's house, say thank you, proceed to call it your own, and then dramatically declare that you feel surrounded by enemies. Those enemies, of course, being the bewildered homeowners simply trying to live on their own land—it's like Dwight Schrute from "The Office" declaring himself Regional Manager in Michael's office and then complaining that Michael and Jim are trying to take over "his" territory.

In the past nine months, Israel's bombing campaign in Palestine has been rife with "mistakes"—a series of tragic errors that have led to untold suffering for countless civilians.

In the past nine months, Israeli missiles have struck a hospital in Gaza, ostensibly targeting a militant hideout. The result was catastrophic, with dozens of patients, including children and the elderly, killed or injured. The international community was met with a terse apology and the now-familiar phrase, "regrettable error."

In the past nine months, another mistake saw an airstrike on a UN school sheltering displaced families. The attack killed several children and their teachers, leading to widespread condemnation. Israeli officials claimed they had received faulty intelligence.

In the past nine months, an entire residential building was reduced to rubble. This building housed numerous families who had no connection to any militant activities. The official explanation was that the building had been mistakenly identified as a terrorist headquarters.

In the past nine months, an airstrike on a bustling market, killed and injured scores of civilians. The market, a vital source of food and goods for the local population, was destroyed under the pretext of targeting a nearby militant. The loss of innocent lives was brushed aside as another unintended consequence.

In the past nine months, Israeli forces bombed a power plant, plunging much of Gaza into darkness. The power plant was crucial for hospitals and other essential services. The military later admitted that the power plant was not the intended target, labelling it another error in a string of many.

In the past nine months, a food truck was bombed. The truck, which was part of a humanitarian convoy, was carrying essential supplies for malnourished children. Israeli forces claimed they mistook it for a vehicle transporting weapons for Hamas. Consequently, in Israel's mission to end a race, the children took the worst hit. Nine out of 10 children in Gaza lack food for growth. You don't believe me, do you?

In the past nine months, an airstrike on a refugee camp killed and injured many displaced persons seeking shelter. The camp was mistaken for a militant training ground, leading to yet another round of apologies and hollow reassurances.

In the past nine months, on an ill-fated Sunday, Ahmad became the symbol of the unspeakable horror of genocide in Gaza as his poor father held up his beheaded corpse. A negligible offence I am sure. 

In the past nine months, a building housing several media offices, including international journalists, was targeted. The attack destroyed critical infrastructure needed to report on the conflict. Israel later stated that they believed the building housed militant operatives, calling the incident a misjudgment.

In the past nine months, bombs rained down on agricultural fields in Gaza, destroying crops vital for the local food supply. The fields were incorrectly targeted, with claims that they were being used to launch rockets.

All this while in the past nine months, half the world was endlessly protesting in their own ways, another quarter were living similar to worse lives in Sudan, Congo, China, Ethiopia and countless more and the rest were comfortably ignorant to issues that did not hurt them... at least not now. It is, however, quite telling of us when ALL EYES went ON RAFAH only last month; when the famous and the famous-in-their-living-rooms took to 'adding to their Instagram stories', an AI-generated 9:16 photo of a beautifully compartmentalized - almost peaceful (funny as that could be) representation of concentration camps. While true footage of it to the aware, would not fail to resemble the holocaust. 

It is with utmost urgency and a feeling of been-there-felt-that that one must go forward. In an age of ethnic genocides and fresh morning news of the rise in death tolls across the world, if one is to remain blissfully ignorant and simply claim that oh but HAMAS started it... I would only beg for you to watch the series from the first season that aired in 1948. 

The Never-Ending Tragedy

And so, we continue to watch this farce unfold, a mistake where the stakes are heartbreakingly real. The cycle of violence and impunity keeps turning, powered by the same tired excuses and empty promises. It’s a never-ending sitcom where the laugh track has been replaced by the sound of distant explosions and muffled cries.

In the end, this isn’t just a story of bumbling occupiers and clueless supporters; it’s a story of human suffering that defies satire. Behind the absurdity lies a grim reality that no amount of humour can truly mask. But perhaps, in highlighting the ridiculousness of it all, we can find a glimmer of hope that someday, the world will wake up, the farce will end, and true peace will have its moment to shine.

From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free.