The Modi Show: A Comedy of Errors in the Theater of Indian Politics

Hello. Hi. Sorry yaar breakdown hogaya si mainu. 

However, we should acknowledge the scriptwriters of the 2024 Lok Sabha Elections because such a thriller I haven't witnessed since "Golmaal" was released in 2006. 

This rant is well-researched. (on "X"). The rest are my thoughts as the election results saw the light of a beautiful day. 

After 10 years of "distorted, damaged, denied, diverted, denigrated, and defamed" India (as rightly tweeted by Jairam Ramesh, General Secretary of the Congress), there is finally hope. Hope that democracy is still alive. Hope that one day, actual "acche din aayenge". There is newfound joy in knowing that our votes count and matter. In the perilous state of the world today (which will be discussed soon. I have a lot to say), India celebrated democracy on June 4th, despite losing.

One needs to understand that in a country that was thoroughly brainwashed for 10 whole years, a government has to MASSIVELY mess up for the way the election results spanned. Massively shock the citizens into realizing how much they have been lied to, how many opportunities they have been looted of, how disgustingly large the unemployed sector of the country is and how rich a certain Motu Patlu duo have become in the blink of an eye. 

As we stand at the brink of the 3rd, personally Xenophobic, term of Mr Narendra Modi as Prime Minister of India, it is only right to glance back a little. Just a little. 

Welcome, dear readers, to the grand theatre of Indian politics where reality often transcends the boundaries of satire. In the past decade, under the leadership of our honourable Prime Minister Narendra Modi, we have witnessed a series of events and statements that could give any comedy writer a run for their money. Here’s a whimsical journey through some of the most remarkable blunders and laughable proclamations that have left the nation both bewildered and bemused.

Act 1: The Demonetisation Debacle

Let’s start with a masterstroke that was supposed to eradicate black money, end corruption, and turn India into a cashless utopia: Demonetisation. On the fateful night of November 8, 2016, PM Modi announced that ₹500 and ₹1000 notes would no longer be legal tender. In one fell swoop, 86% of the currency in circulation was rendered worthless.

What followed was a spectacle of chaos that Dante himself couldn’t have envisioned. Long queues at ATMs, frantic searches for cash, and a digital payment infrastructure that wasn’t ready for the sudden burden. Farmers couldn't buy seeds, patients struggled to pay hospital bills, and weddings were postponed. Yet, in this maelstrom, there was a glimmer of comic relief: the sight of people taking selfies while standing in serpentine lines outside banks. A true testament to the Indian spirit!

The pièce de résistance? The much-touted eradication of black money. Reports later revealed that over 99% of the demonetised currency was deposited back into the banking system. It was as if the nation collectively said, “Hold my chai!” and proved that black money had magically turned white.

And as someone (I forgot to save the video to go back and find him) said on the absolutely vital, super trustworthy, and universally beloved platform known as Instagram, demonization happened because the rich in the country couldn't possibly use Paytm to buy media companies or an entire MLA. They needed cash for that.

Act 2: The Digital India Fiasco

Next, we move to the Digital India initiative, a noble dream to transform the country into a digitally empowered society. The vision was grand: high-speed internet in every village, online services for all, and a tech-savvy population. Reality, however, had other plans.

Picture this: a villager in a remote area trying to connect to an online government portal to apply for a subsidy. The internet is slower than a sloth on a lazy Sunday, the website crashes every two minutes, and by the end of the day, the villager is more likely to have developed carpal tunnel syndrome than successfully submitting the form.

And who can forget the much-celebrated “Digital India Week” launch? Amidst all the grandeur and fireworks, the irony was palpable when the live telecast experienced buffering issues. It was as if the internet was mocking a digital revolution's grand vision.

Act 3: The Bullet Train Extravaganza

Ah, the Bullet Train – the epitome of progress, a symbol of a new India zipping into the future at 320 km/h. When PM Modi announced the Mumbai-Ahmedabad bullet train project, the nation was divided into two camps: those who dreamed of a futuristic India and those who couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of introducing a bullet train in a country where regular trains are often slower than a snail in molasses. Oh and where seats are mostly booked based on whose handkerchief or bag or a slipper or sometimes even a half-eaten meal, touched it first. where on good days you only have to hang from the door to reach home and on bad days, stand over the vehicle itself.

The project’s cost was estimated at a whopping ₹1.1 trillion, a figure so astronomical that it made the fiscal hawks in the Ministry of Finance develop a nervous twitch. But the hilarity didn’t stop there. The route chosen for the bullet train covers a distance that can be travelled faster by air at a fraction of the cost. It’s like investing in a golden tricycle for a city that already has a fleet of luxury cars. 

Act 4: The Statue of Unity

Let’s take a detour to the world’s tallest statue, the Statue of Unity, built to honour Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel. Standing at a towering 182 meters, it’s twice the height of the Statue of Liberty and cost around ₹3,000 crores. While it’s a marvel of engineering and a proud symbol of unity, the timing and expenditure raised quite a few eyebrows.

In a country grappling with issues like poverty, malnutrition, and inadequate healthcare, spending such a colossal amount on a statue seemed like a cruel joke. It is almost diabolical to raise a statue commemorating what you spent a decade undermining among Indian citizens. The irony was further compounded when farmers whose lands were acquired for the statue’s construction protested against the lack of adequate compensation. It was as if Sardar Patel, the Iron Man of India, was looking down and saying, “This wasn’t quite what I had in mind.”

Act 5: The Gag Orders and Media Blitz

The Modi government’s relationship with the media has been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride. From cozying up to certain media houses to slamming others with lawsuits, the administration’s attempts to control the narrative have been both aggressive and amusing.

Take, for instance, the time when a journalist was sued for defamation for fact-checking a dubious claim made by a BJP leader. Or when the government instructed media houses to avoid using the term "Dalit" and instead use "Scheduled Caste." It’s as if the government believed that changing the terminology would magically solve the deep-rooted issues of caste discrimination.

When Rahul Gandhi proclaimed that Mr Modi has never done a press conference in the last 10 years, he was not lying. Because it is truly hilarious what the media has to discuss with Mr. Modi - 

• "Do you carry a wallet on you?"
• "Do you have a best friend?"
• "Do you eat mangoes?"
• "Tell us more about your habit of gifting scarves."

(All of which btw, recently made it to International news where British Comedian John Oliver took to social media 4 years ago, through his 19-minute roast of Mr Modi jinhone (Ukraine- Russia) war rukwaadi pawpaw.)

And who can forget the Prime Minister’s penchant for his radio show, “Mann Ki Baat”? A monthly monologue where Modi shares his thoughts, advice, and anecdotes, often peppered with lofty ideals and motivational quotes. Critics might call it propaganda, but for many, it’s 30 minutes of pure, unadulterated entertainment.

Act 6: The “Make in India” Campaign

“Make in India” was envisioned as a game-changer, a campaign to turn India into a global manufacturing hub. The lion logo roared, and the nation braced itself for an industrial revolution. However, like many grand schemes, the execution left much to be desired.

Despite the fanfare, manufacturing growth remained sluggish, and foreign direct investment didn’t quite reach the stratospheric heights anticipated. In a particularly comical twist, many of the campaign’s promotional materials, including the lion logo itself, were reportedly outsourced to foreign companies. It was like inviting the world to a potluck and then ordering takeout because you forgot to cook.

Act 7: The Agricultural Reforms Uproar

No discussion on Modi’s blunders would be complete without mentioning the agricultural reforms that sparked one of the largest protests in human history. The three farm laws introduced in 2020 were touted as revolutionary, aimed at modernizing Indian agriculture and providing farmers with greater market freedom. Farmers, however, saw them as a death knell for their livelihoods.

What ensued was a standoff between the government and the farmers that lasted over a year. Highways were blocked, and protest sites turned into makeshift villages. The government’s attempts to discredit the protesters as “misled” or “anti-national” only added fuel to the fire. In a tragicomic climax, after months of stubborn resistance, the government finally repealed the laws. It was a classic case of political myopia and the hubris of not listening to the very people you claim to serve.

Act 8: The Cow Chronicles

Ah, the cow – a sacred animal in India and a political tool like no other. Under Modi’s regime, the cow has enjoyed a level of protection and reverence that would make even celebrity pets jealous. However, the fervent cow protection measures have led to a series of bizarre and often violent incidents.

From lynch mobs attacking people suspected of cow smuggling to states implementing stringent cow protection laws, the cow narrative has taken some absurd turns. The crowning jewel of this bovine obsession was when a senior BJP leader claimed that cow urine and dung could cure cancer. Move over, oncologists; we’ve got gau mutra on the job!

Act 9: The Citizenship Amendment Act (CAA) 

Enter the Citizenship Amendment Act (CAA), a legislation that sparked nationwide protests and international scrutiny. Presented as a humanitarian gesture to grant citizenship to persecuted minorities from neighbouring countries, the CAA quickly became a lightning rod for controversy.

Critics pointed out that the Act discriminated against Muslims and violated the secular principles of the Indian Constitution. It was as if the government had decided to play a twisted game of religious monopoly, granting fast-tracked citizenship to everyone except those from the Islamic faith.

The uproar that followed was nothing short of a circus. Students took to the streets, artists raised their voices, and politicians engaged in a war of words. The government's attempts to quell the protests only added fuel to the fire, leading to accusations of police brutality and suppression of dissent.

In the end, the CAA became emblematic of the government's divisive policies and its willingness to sacrifice secular values at the altar of political expediency. It was a tragicomedy of errors, a farce that laid bare the fragility of India's social fabric and the power of collective resistance.

Act 10: The Vikas Purush Speaks

No satire on Modi would be complete without highlighting some of his most memorable quotes. Our Prime Minister has a knack for making statements that are either profoundly inspirational or profoundly bewildering. Here are a few gems:

“Climate has not changed. We have changed.” – In one fell swoop, PM Modi redefined climate science, suggesting that it was human morality, not industrial emissions, that caused global warming. Move over, Greta Thunberg!

“Can one imagine, that more than 350 crore people have travelled by Indian Railways in a year?” – Given that India’s population is around 1.4 billion, this statement suggested that either we’ve discovered the secret to human cloning, or there’s a massive underground society we don’t know about.

“We gave this nation an Aadhaar.” – A grand claim that conveniently overlooked the fact that the Aadhaar project was initiated by the previous government. But hey, why let facts get in the way of a good story?

“Digital cameras and emails were there in 1987-88.” – In a bid to establish his tech-savvy credentials, PM Modi casually transported us to an alternate reality where digital cameras and emails existed well before they were actually invented.

Curtain Call: The Modi Magic Continues

As we draw the curtains on this satirical revue of Modi’s decade in power, one thing is clear: the man has a flair for the dramatic. His tenure has been a rollercoaster of audacious decisions, grandiloquent speeches, and moments of sheer absurdity. Whether you admire his vision or criticize his methods, there’s no denying that Narendra Modi has left an indelible mark on the political and social landscape of India.

In the grand theatre of Indian politics, where fact often competes with fiction, PM Modi has proven to be a master showman. As the nation watches with bated breath, one can only wonder what the next act in this ongoing saga will bring. Will it be another policy masterstroke or a comedic misstep? Only time will tell, but one thing’s for sure: it’s going to be an entertaining ride.